Humor/Satire

In case you’re still having a case of the Mondays

Dave Farquhar Humor/Satire

If your five bosses are bothering you about putting the wrong cover sheet on your TPS reports again and you got the memo but you can’t find the sheets, you can download one.

And if you haven’t seen Mike Judge’s modern classic Office Space, you really need to.If you don’t yet own a copy, that’s curable. And I would be remiss if I didn’t post a link to the red Swingline stapler.

Informercial, out. Now go print out a copy of that TPS report cover sheet to hang on your cell, er, cubicle wall. Or leave it laying on the desk of a fellow inmate who needs a laugh.

A User Friendly waiting to happen

Dave Farquhar Humor/Satire

Your new customer service manager’s name is Dev Null. Please refer all further communication to Dev Null, who will handle your matter speedily and appropriately.

Or something like that.It sounds just believable enough that lots of people will fall for it. The problem is getting anyone with Unix familiarity to keep a straight face while saying it.

Coincidentally, BOFH fans will also know that /dev/null is an incredibly fast backup device.

R. Collins refuses to concede the election

Dave Farquhar Humor/Satire

R. Collins Farquhar IV, aristocrat, scientist, and next president of the United States

To the voting populace.

Greeting:

Be it known that this past election was so close that I refuse to concede it.John Kerry’s rapid concession of the election proves that he is not an aristocrat. Unlike him, I did not marry my aristocracy. George W. Bush’s rapid proclamation of victory proves, well, nothing, because the votes are not all in. Unlike him, I did not marry my education.

There was one candidate who was qualified for the job of most powerful man in the world, and time will tell that that candidate was R. Collins Farquhar IV.

Unlike that pretender Kerry, I will not concede election until every vote is counted and either my manservants, lawyers, or myself have had a chance to personally tampe… er, examine, each and every ballot.

If anything, the events of the past week prove that the time is right for R. Collins as president. The political unrest in France and Palestine proves it.

I will not rest until we have conquered France and turned it into a training ground for our other wars, and I will not sit and watch as the jobs for our peasants get outsourced to foreign peasants. Our rabble need jobs just as much as the foreign rabble. If the foreign rabble want our jobs, they can get it the old fashioned way: Get an aristocrat to sponsor them and pay their way over here in exchange for a pre-agreed amount of indentured servitude. And when that time has expired, they can apply for a peasant’s job, or remain a manservant.

Or become a soldier. We will always have job openings there.

Pretentious Pontifications: Raunche sells out

Dave Farquhar Humor/Satire ,

Raunche interrupted my presidential campaign today by coughing up some bile about the prototype for his new computer.

I had to remind him that there are two hardware companies to trust: Intel and Microsoft. This computer incorporates neither. And multiple G5s does not a supercomputer make. Especially when it runs a second-rate operating system, which means anything but Windows, of course.What multiple G5s make, regardless of whose name ends up on the front, is nouveau riche computers suitable for aristocracy that wears high heels. (My evil twin, David, asked me if he also wears suspendies and a brar. I almost laughed.) I do hope IBM had the good sense not to put it in a translucent case with blue polka dots, but I will not hold my breath.

As for my adoring fans, you may catch a brief glimpse of me at the Scottish Festival in St. Louis at Forest Park on 9 September before I resume my run for the presidency.

So, what OS are you?

Dave Farquhar Humor/Satire , ,

I am Palm OS. Punctual, straightforward and very useful. My mother wants me to do more with my life like my cousin Wince, but I’m happy with who I am.

Which OS are You?
I was shooting for the greatest OS of all time, of course–Amiga OS–hoping to hit the second-greatest: OS/2. Oh well. At least it didn’t call me Windows ME.

A political announcement from R. Collins

Dave Farquhar Humor/Satire

R. Collins Farquhar IV, aristocrat and scientist, would like to take this opportunity to remind you that declaring war on France is one of his campaign promises.

Vote early. Vote often.I understand that in some parts of the country it is customary for one to take three dead friends with you to vote. I appreciate any and all of your votes. Even those who are not aristocrats.

Now if you will excuse me, I must go play with my new aristocratic toys.

I”m back from vacation, and now I’m rich!

Dave Farquhar Humor/Satire , , ,

I just returned from vacation and found the most wonderful bit of news in my inbox when I opened my e-mail at work.

From: Liza Bellis [lizabellis@securingmyfuture.net] To: David Farquhar
Cc:
Subject: David Farquhar Special Refi for [office building where I work] Date: Friday, December 19, 2003

Attention David Farquhar
I’m Liza Bellis with a Refi-
nance and New Home Purch company.
David Farquhar, I would like to firstly help you lighten your monthly pmts for the Farquhar home at [address deleted] SAINT LOUIS, MO 63122.

use your acct 9588 and update your records with us.

Sincerely
Liza Bellis
Customer Service Specialist

——————————————————————————–
To stop mail future: reward

—

This wonderful bit of news prompted me to fire off the following response, as well as to renew correspondence with a longtime solicitor.


From: David Farquhar
To: Liza Bellis [lizabellis@securingmyfuture.net] Cc:
Subject: Re: David Farquhar Special Refi for [office building where I work] Date: Monday, December 22, 2003

Dear Ms. Bellis:

Thank you for your kind offer to help me refinance the mortgage on the office building where I work. Thank you even more for tipping me off that I am indeed the rightful owner of this building. This is an asset valued at approximately $10 million that I did not even realize I had in my possession.

However, I regret to inform you that in light of this most valuable information, I have no interest in refinancing the mortgage on this office building. My financial advisor tells me it is in my best interests to sell the property as quickly as possible.

I will be contacting my realtor and I expect the property in question will soon be demolished in order to make way for a freestanding Walgreen Drug Store, as it has become that company’s practice to space its stores one half-mile apart and the nearest store is 1.6 miles away. You might wish to contact that company with a similar offer for a loan to finance the purchase of the property in question. Needless to say, I will be offering the property for significantly less than the current market value.

Your company certainly is aptly named. This valuable information secures my future so tightly as to permit my retirement effective immediately. I can only hope that this information about a pending sale will begin to repay you.

Dirty rotten filthy stinking richly yours,

David L. Farquhar
St. Louis’ newest multimillionaire

—

From: David Farquhar
To: Mr. Monas Nyerere [monas_nye20@yahoo.com] Cc:
Subject: Re: URGENT BUSINESS PROPOSAL
Date: Monday, December 22, 2003

Dear Mr. Nyerere:

Thank you for your kind offer for an urgent yet 100% risk-free business proposal. Unfortunately, I regret to inform you that it has just come to my attention that I am the owner of a large office building in suburban St. Louis that is worth approximately $10 million, which is about the same amount as the total money involved in your business proposal. Although your proposal is entertaining, the immediate liquidation of this office building requires my complete and undivided attention and will undoubtedly net me a larger sum of money than the 20% commission you are offering at this time.

The next time another unusually wealthy and powerful relative of yours meets with a suspicious and untimely death requiring my assistance, please do not hesitate to contact me. However, based on the numbers in e-mail I have received from you in the past, I calculate your current net worth at some $34 million. While I admire your obvious philanthropic mindset, as one millionaire to another, might I offer you some friendly advice that you retire, live off your savings, and take up residence in a safer region of the world, such as Palestine or Detroit?

Very sincerely yours,

David L. Farquhar

Pretentious Pontifications: Tape drives

Dave Farquhar Humor/Satire , , ,

R. Collins Farquhar IV, Scotsman, and aristocrat. To all whom it may concern. Greeting: One of my associates contacted me today about tape backup units, specifically, a review on Tom’s Hardware Guide. As usual, Tom’s Hardware substantially misses the mark.
I was extraordinarily disappointed that Tom’s Hardware made no mention whatsoever about Intel tape drives. I had my manservant call one of my contacts at Intel for the purposes of having them send me a tape drive, but my contact said that Intel does not make tape drives. Since Intel is one of a very small number of reputable hardware manufacturers, this is the kind of important information that needs to be in a review like this.

I had my manservant ask my contact at Intel which tape drive he would recommend. He recommended the HP SDLT320. Since Intel has a very close relationship with HP, I decided that an HP tape drive might be the next best thing. The Intel contact mentioned–as did the THG review–that the Tandberg SDLT320 is an identical unit. Since I have never heard of Tandberg, I did not even consider it. Any operation I have never heard of is obviously a fly-by-night. Accepting a Tandberg when Intel recommends an HP is akin to accepting a mere Bentley when you sought a real Rolls. Whereas Jacques Pierre Cousteau Bouillabaise Nouveau Riche Croissant de Raunche de la Stenche will settle for a Bentley, I am never willing to settle for a knockoff, even when the alleged difference is only in the front plate or grille.

I was also extraordinarily disappointed that Tom’s Hardware did not test the drives with Microsoft software. Microsoft, as even a tryo or ingenue knows, makes simply the finest software in the world. I would go so far as to call Microsoft the Rolls-Royce of software. So my manservant contacted Microsoft to ask for a copy of their top-flight tape backup software. The Microsoft representative said that Microsoft’s offering came bundled with its server software and is licensed by Veritas. If I wanted something better, I should talk to Veritas. Again, doing so would be to settle for something less than a Rolls. Even though a Rolls from the 1960s used a General Motors transmission, I would never settle for a 1968 Cadillac when what I really want is a 1968 Rolls. I have never heard of Veritas either, so I evaluated Microsoft’s offering and found it to be first-class and worthy of performing the backup needs of any enterprise. That Microsoft would be so generous as to bundle such a grandee application with its server software makes it all the more sweet for those whose means are less aristocratic than my own.

I was pleased when I connected the HP SDLT320 to my main workstation (a prototype 4 GHz Pentium 4 I got from Intel) that my Quake 3 framerates rose to 430 FPS. A serious gamer will want this.

Next, I tried backing up my Quake III CD to the HP SDLT320. I was amazed when the backup took a mere two minutes. I do not know whether to attribute these results to the influence of Intel engineers on HP, or to Microsoft’s sterling software. In all likelihood, it is a combination of both.

These tests prove once again the adage that corporations sufficiently large truly can do no wrong.

Dumb things I’ve said to girls

Dave Farquhar Humor/Satire ,

You’re a well-spoken, well-respected guy. I know that. And I’m sure it’s not just guys who think that. But every once in a while, when we get around members of the gentler sex, we get ready to say something, open our mouths, and make people wonder just how long ago it was that our brain melted.
What, you mean that’s never happened to you? I’m the only one that happens to? Rats… Next thing you know, you’ll be telling me I’m the only one with the third eye.

Well, gather round, come share my experience with me anyway.
Read more

Pretentious Pontifications: Tennis

Dave Farquhar Humor/Satire

Raunche and I took advantage of our extended weekend by playing a gentlemanly game of tennis. I don’t know why people make such a big deal of weekends, extended or otherwise, because they should just become like Raunche and me. Every day is like Saturday for us, since neither of us actually has to get up in the morning and drive, you know, to work or anything.
But I digress so badly you must think this is my evil twin brother writing. Unfortunately I have learned a bad habit or two from David.
Read more