I just returned from vacation and found the most wonderful bit of news in my inbox when I opened my e-mail at work.

From: Liza Bellis [lizabellis@securingmyfuture.net] To: David Farquhar
Subject: David Farquhar Special Refi for [office building where I work] Date: Friday, December 19, 2003

Attention David Farquhar
I’m Liza Bellis with a Refi-
nance and New Home Purch company.
David Farquhar, I would like to firstly help you lighten your monthly pmts for the Farquhar home at [address deleted] SAINT LOUIS, MO 63122.

use your acct 9588 and update your records with us.

Liza Bellis
Customer Service Specialist

To stop mail future: reward

This wonderful bit of news prompted me to fire off the following response, as well as to renew correspondence with a longtime solicitor.

From: David Farquhar
To: Liza Bellis [lizabellis@securingmyfuture.net] Cc:
Subject: Re: David Farquhar Special Refi for [office building where I work] Date: Monday, December 22, 2003

Dear Ms. Bellis:

Thank you for your kind offer to help me refinance the mortgage on the office building where I work. Thank you even more for tipping me off that I am indeed the rightful owner of this building. This is an asset valued at approximately $10 million that I did not even realize I had in my possession.

However, I regret to inform you that in light of this most valuable information, I have no interest in refinancing the mortgage on this office building. My financial advisor tells me it is in my best interests to sell the property as quickly as possible.

I will be contacting my realtor and I expect the property in question will soon be demolished in order to make way for a freestanding Walgreen Drug Store, as it has become that company’s practice to space its stores one half-mile apart and the nearest store is 1.6 miles away. You might wish to contact that company with a similar offer for a loan to finance the purchase of the property in question. Needless to say, I will be offering the property for significantly less than the current market value.

Your company certainly is aptly named. This valuable information secures my future so tightly as to permit my retirement effective immediately. I can only hope that this information about a pending sale will begin to repay you.

Dirty rotten filthy stinking richly yours,

David L. Farquhar
St. Louis’ newest multimillionaire

From: David Farquhar
To: Mr. Monas Nyerere [monas_nye20@yahoo.com] Cc:
Date: Monday, December 22, 2003

Dear Mr. Nyerere:

Thank you for your kind offer for an urgent yet 100% risk-free business proposal. Unfortunately, I regret to inform you that it has just come to my attention that I am the owner of a large office building in suburban St. Louis that is worth approximately $10 million, which is about the same amount as the total money involved in your business proposal. Although your proposal is entertaining, the immediate liquidation of this office building requires my complete and undivided attention and will undoubtedly net me a larger sum of money than the 20% commission you are offering at this time.

The next time another unusually wealthy and powerful relative of yours meets with a suspicious and untimely death requiring my assistance, please do not hesitate to contact me. However, based on the numbers in e-mail I have received from you in the past, I calculate your current net worth at some $34 million. While I admire your obvious philanthropic mindset, as one millionaire to another, might I offer you some friendly advice that you retire, live off your savings, and take up residence in a safer region of the world, such as Palestine or Detroit?

Very sincerely yours,

David L. Farquhar