03/16/2001

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Questions; CS UK; Music

Why didn’t I answer any mail last night? Because I was getting cultured. My friend Jeanne was planning a trip to a natural foods market called Wild Oats and asked if I wanted to come along. Another friend had recommended I go there to get some soy powder when she found out I’d temporarily become a vegetarian. So hey, why not? I’ll try anything once, right? Well, not quite anything, but what harm can it do?

An irony hit me, of course. The natural market called Wild Oats… A juice place in Columbia called The Main Squeeze… Why is it so many health-related places use double-entendre names? I mean, strip clubs aren’t that provocatively named. Oh well.

So I got there and I noticed an awful lot of signs that said you had to pay before you started eating. Isn’t that common courtesy? Sheesh. The first thing I set out to get was an eggplant. I know I can get eggplant at the regular grocery store, but hey, I was there, so why not? Besides, maybe organically grown eggplant is better for you. I just have a suspicion that eggplant would make a killer pizza topping. So I got myself a nice one-and-a-half-pound eggplant while Jeanne talked about this guy who used to wander around town holding an eggplant like a baby. Hey, I might be eccentric, but I’m not that eccentric.

Then I spied alfalfa sprouts, which I suspect would make a great soyburger topping. Probably even better on beef, but hey, I won’t be eating that for a while yet. Unfortunately they only sold those in huge packages that’d probably last me a month, but I doubt they’d keep that long. Then I spied seeds. “Make your own sprouts!” it proclaimed. A 4-oz. package of seeds is supposed to make several pounds of sprouts. Hmm, $2.99 for that, versus $1.99 for a pound of alfalfa I’ll end up throwing out because most of it goes bad, and I can make whatever quantities I want… Easy decision.

We walked down the vitamin/mineral/herbal aisle. I picked up some manganese because it’s hard to find. And I found soy powder in some manly-sized containers. My friend Brenna had said to put a scoop in the blender along with some fruit. Cool. I had my powder, now all I needed was some fruit and a blender… Then I realized a manly man doesn’t need a blender. Why blend with a blender when you can blend with a Dremel?

We walked down the snack aisle, where I spied Soy nuts. Barbecue flavor. “These’ll be good for my image,” I said, grabbing a bag. I’ll keep the empty bag at work when I’m done with it. Cubicle decoration.

We walked up and down the store. In the pet food section I spied something curious: vegetarian dog food. I picked up a can. “Yes, some people force it on their dogs too.”

“Forcing vegetarianism on your dog is just wrong,” I said. “It’s not natural.” I half-regretted it afterward, seeing as there were probably a lot of vegetarians around, but I didn’t get any dirty looks.

I noticed Wild Oats was very heavy on people with dreadlocks and tattoos. I noticed I got a few looks, mostly from girls. I suspect it’s because I was dressed conservatively. Not that there’s anything at all wrong with looks from girls, mind you.

“I bet I was the only Republican in there,” I said as we left the store. Jeanne laughed. “I should have applied for minority status.”

And after we walked out to the car in the rain and drove off, I realized I hadn’t inspected the lot too closely. “Was that an SUV liberal place?” I asked.

“Yes it was,” Jeanne said.

I said there weren’t many things more hypocritical than a big, oversized SUV with environmentalist bumper stickers on it. She agreed.

Mailbag:

Questions; CS UK; Music

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