Every once in a while at work I hear something that should have been a line out of Office Space.

The line? "You're not supposed to work at your desks."

What, pray tell, are we supposed to do there, then? Drink beer and play cards?

My mom sent me a newspaper article today to make me feel better. Maybe I should say she sent what looks like a newspaper article. I don't think it's genuine, for a number of reasons: no byline, feature style in what's presented as a hard news story, grammatical errors you wouldn't expect to see in a newspaper, only one source, more than half the story is long quotes from the single source, and most convincingly, I couldn't find any mention of it online.

Still, it at least makes an entertaining read. I present it verbatim.

If your five bosses are bothering you about putting the wrong cover sheet on your TPS reports again and you got the memo but you can't find the sheets, you can download one.

And if you haven't seen Mike Judge's modern classic Office Space, you really need to.

Your new customer service manager's name is Dev Null. Please refer all further communication to Dev Null, who will handle your matter speedily and appropriately.

Or something like that.

R. Collins Farquhar IV, aristocrat, scientist, and next president of the United States

To the voting populace.

Greeting:

Be it known that this past election was so close that I refuse to concede it.

Raunche interrupted my presidential campaign today by coughing up some bile about the prototype for his new computer.

I had to remind him that there are two hardware companies to trust: Intel and Microsoft. This computer incorporates neither. And multiple G5s does not a supercomputer make. Especially when it runs a second-rate operating system, which means anything but Windows, of course.

I am Palm OS. Punctual, straightforward and very useful. My mother wants me to do more with my life like my cousin Wince, but I'm happy with who I am.

Which OS are You?

R. Collins Farquhar IV, aristocrat and scientist, would like to take this opportunity to remind you that declaring war on France is one of his campaign promises.

Vote early. Vote often.

I just returned from vacation and found the most wonderful bit of news in my inbox when I opened my e-mail at work.

R. Collins Farquhar IV, Scotsman, and aristocrat. To all whom it may concern. Greeting: One of my associates contacted me today about tape backup units, specifically, a review on Tom's Hardware Guide. As usual, Tom's Hardware substantially misses the mark.