R. Collins Farquhar IV, aristocrat, scientist, and next president of the United States

To the voting populace.

Greeting:

Be it known that this past election was so close that I refuse to concede it.

John Kerry's rapid concession of the election proves that he is not an aristocrat. Unlike him, I did not marry my aristocracy. George W. Bush's rapid proclamation of victory proves, well, nothing, because the votes are not all in. Unlike him, I did not marry my education.

There was one candidate who was qualified for the job of most powerful man in the world, and time will tell that that candidate was R. Collins Farquhar IV.

Unlike that pretender Kerry, I will not concede election until every vote is counted and either my manservants, lawyers, or myself have had a chance to personally tampe... er, examine, each and every ballot.

If anything, the events of the past week prove that the time is right for R. Collins as president. The political unrest in France and Palestine proves it.

I will not rest until we have conquered France and turned it into a training ground for our other wars, and I will not sit and watch as the jobs for our peasants get outsourced to foreign peasants. Our rabble need jobs just as much as the foreign rabble. If the foreign rabble want our jobs, they can get it the old fashioned way: Get an aristocrat to sponsor them and pay their way over here in exchange for a pre-agreed amount of indentured servitude. And when that time has expired, they can apply for a peasant's job, or remain a manservant.

Or become a soldier. We will always have job openings there.